soul purpose coaching

I wrote a newsletter article several years ago on the topic of forgiveness, after I had read  something that had transformed the way I thought about this whole forgiveness business.

Like I said, it was years ago and obviously somewhere along the way I must have forgotten about it and gone back to my usual definition of forgiveness; which is something along the lines of having the ability to let go of anger and resentment when someone has done the wrong thing by me… or to not harbour ill-feelings towards the person who did the bad thing, even though they really deserve for me never to speak to them again (or at least not for a week). They did, after all, do a bad thing!

The universe clearly decided it was time for me to re-learn the forgiveness lesson because earlier this week, while I was chatting to a friend about relationship issues, she mentioned a book she has recently read and has been recommending to everyone. It’s called Radical Forgiveness. I came home and looked at the website and as I read about the concept, I realised that it was, in some ways, very similar to the one I had read about years before. So I guess that means it’s time for me to share it again!

What I learned all those years ago is that forgiving someone in the traditional sense is a form of taking the high ground or being the ‘bigger person’. While this kind of forgiveness has value in that it involves releasing negativity and anger, it’s not without a level of judgment. After all, for you to feel that there is something to forgive, you have judged the person as having done something wrong. Really, it’s quite a self-righteous way of thinking and not very spiritually advancing! And there I was thinking I was scoring BIG brownie points for always being “the bigger person”!

Forgiveness in the true sense of the word is recognising that no wrong was done in the first place. I’ll allow you to take a minute to digest that, because I know it took me a little while to process.

Let me share with you two definitions of what that means, based on the two concepts of forgiveness I’ve learned about. The first one begins with a process of recognising that you are capable of doing what the other person did. The person you are trying to forgive, I mean. Indeed you may have actually done the very same thing to another person at one time or another. We all have within us the traits that we perceive to be ‘good’ and ‘bad’. I say we perceive them to be good or bad because in reality nothing is good or bad – things just are what they are. Good and bad are just meanings we attach to events or situations. We have all, at various times, been selfish, hurtful, thoughtless, deceitful or rude.

If you can call to mind a person or situation that you’re having trouble forgiving, it would be helpful for you to think about what that person has done to hurt you, and take some time to consider when and how you have done the same thing. You might find that simply performing that exercise in self-reflection helps to neutralise some of the emotional charge you have had in relation to the person or situation. When you are able to recognise that you have performed the same act, you are better able to recognise the positive intent underlying the behaviour. One of the most significant lessons I have learned in my work as a coach is that generally speaking, all behaviour has a positive intent, no matter how much it might offend you. People act to fulfil a need or to alleviate their own pain or suffering. Behaviour that you might consider to be wrong or perplexing or illogical, usually always serves one of these purposes.

Whenever you feel frustrated or angry with another person’s behaviour, take a minute to think about what is the positive intent driving their actions. When you recognise your own capacity to commit the offence and understand the positive intent behind the action, you can no longer be a victim. And if you are not a victim, there can be no perpetrator. And if there is no perpetrator, there is nothing to forgive.

To me, the real value in all of this, is that every time you forgive someone else, you forgive a part of yourself. For that reason alone I believe it is worth taking the time to reflect on who you are having difficulty forgiving, and spending some time to work through the process. Freeing yourself from those long-held grudges is truly liberating.

But remember I said that was only the first lesson in forgiveness. There is more! Colin Tipping, author of the book, Radical Forgiveness has a slightly different perspective. He says that everything that happens in this life is pre-planned and designed to progress you on your spiritual journey. I actually believe that, which makes his theory quite reasonable to me. He says that even if we don’t consciously understand why things are happening to us, or why people are behaving in ways that hurt us, at some level there is a plan and we have agreed that this is important for our spiritual growth. Our souls have agreed to these contracts. In fact, he says that things don’t happen to us, they happen for us.

Rather than spend a lot of time talking about it, I’d encourage you to go the website and read “Jill’s story” which explains it very well. It might be because I can personally relate very much to Jill’s story that I have no trouble with this concept and in fact, I found Jill’s story helped me see a situation in my own life with a lot more clarity. If you have a look at the Radical Forgiveness website you will see that there are many downloadable resources there that you might find interesting and useful.

Until next time.. x